Executive Assistant Application

I might graduate this semester. If i have a party, you and Susan can come. But only if we dance.
Thinking about how busy i typically am on any given work day, I have concluded that I need a personal assistant, so I sent out a mass email to all the genetically superior women in the offices here. Most responded with embitterment, but a few actually said they'd like a 'position' of that nature.
Here it is: If any of your hot single friends are looking for internships, this one would be great.
Here are a list of job descriptions for your role as my Secretary, or more formerly titled, Executive Assistant:
1. Above all the ability to tell a convincing lie is a top priority. My boss comes in and asks where I am. You know I am taking a three hour lunch with an old college buddy, but you tell him something like, "He JUST stepped out. He mentioned something about finishing a report early and having to double check it with corporate." You let him know I haven't been gone long, reinforcing it by attributing my abscence to a work related cause. This will make him think I am responsible, which will propel me to a more sophisticated sounding, higher paying non-job, leaving you to take my position.
2. Know that we are a team. You don't want me to get in trouble for slacking, so I will need help pretending to be busy at work. Great care goes into this practice of avoiding work. Soon I will be on the way to the top, and a higher pay grade-and I will need somebody to help me along the way. You won't receive more pay, however, you will get an impressive new title, "Assitant Executive". Sounds good huh?
3. Math. I hate it, so you will have to do it. This includes balancing my checkbook, watching my travel per diem, stealing from petty cash, and making sure my paycheck is accurate. Math required in company paper work you can delegate to other people's assistance. Just make them believe thay are doing a small part of a very large project. It'll make them feel important, like we trust them with 'big responsibilities'. I will outline how to shirk the work in another chapter. Math, do it.
4. Good personal taste. There is way too much Minesweeper to play to remember birthdays and anniversaries. You will have to depend on your own good taste in buying successful gifts for those I pretend are important to me. It will be your job to shop, as I will be way to busy writing my screenplay. You're getting to shop. That's great.
5. Making the call. There will be nights when I would rather go drinking with the boys or blow my paycheck at the track, whatever the case, it will be you're job to let my wife/girlfriend/date know that I am 'working late' (note the case tense in these words, as the Upper Case are reserved for quality number 7). There will be ample opportunities where an excuse will be needed. Creativity is appreciated, but believability is cherished.
6. Looking the part. Looking the part not only means looking professionally cool and collected in every scenario, but looking busy as well. You are to act like you are on task while in the office. Walk with purpose, carry several official looking papers in your hand, and above all, avoid anyone who looks as though they might have something for you to do. If you get something to do, then it usually means it will fall on my desk later, in which I will have to give it back to you to give to someone else. During that time we could have each played Solitaire until we got the fireworks, or taken an extra 20 minutes to 'check this with acounts payable'-translated-taking a nap in the backseat of our cars.
7. 'Working Late'. The word "secretary" begins with 'secret'. Enough said.
Any questions regarding your position please address your Assistant's Manual ie-Post Christmas Party activities, weekend business trips, emergency 2 am board meetings, etc.
Personal interviews only.
Join Team Andrew today!