Cousin Countdown

On a side note, did I ever tell you that the rocking chair I received in my grandmother's will was the focal point of much family controversy? My grandfather made that rocking chair with his own two calloused hands. When Grandmama passed, it was handed with dishpan hands down to me. Yours truly got the rocking chair and two quilts. That is all. My brother got the old grandfather clock and a footstool also made by PawPaw Greene. The rest of the cousins got jewels and money and other assorted treasures. Simon and I were happy just to have a peice of a memory.....a handcrafted memory at that. "Let the dogs have their bones." was our proud and silent mantra.

My brother and I escaped the scrutiny that often follows a patriarch or matriarch's death, buriel, and will and testament. Nearly escaped I should say, for not a week after Grandmama was in the ground, I got a call from one of my first cousins. She was ripe with child when we spoke at the funeral and I couldn't help but think how all of this grief might be bad for the baby. On the phone, she explained to me how her baby was due in a couple of days, and how nice it would be to have a rocking chair to coo the baby to sleep. She then began to say how a 'dorm room' was probably not a good place for a peice of antiquity, especially one with such sentimental value to the whole family.

"So what are saying? That I give the chair to you?"
"Well, I would just hold it for you until you got a place of your own...."
"Ohhh, 'hold it for me'? Yeah right Pre-Pardum, not on your life."
"Look I don't want it damaged if you had one of those...parties or something..."
"Parties? I think you have bigger things to worry about there Baby Factory. I don't have parties, and I don't live in a dorm. How low rent do you think I am?"
"I'm not saying that, all I meant was.."
"I don't care what you meant. You got the cash, you got the jewels, you got the jade turtle collection Grandmama TOLD ME I could have, and now you want MY rocking chair. I can't believe it. Why don't I just hand it ALL over to you. I'll get Simon, and Abbey, and we'll just give you EVERYTHING!!....."
"Andrew, wait, I just meant that since..."
"If you say another word I'm going to personally take a hatchet to that f*#?ing chair! I CANNOT believe it! Grandmama has barely lost her pulse, and your trying to horde everyone's inheritance. How greedy ARE you? Next, you'll want to exhume the body and rip off all the fingers, I'm sure there's some valuable rings going to WASTE on the CORPSE!!"

After several minutes of screaming at each other, I told her that I loved her, and that I hoped her baby came out alright, especially since it had such a greedy mother, to which she slammed the phone down, hanging up in my face.

Later that evening I had some friends over and was telling them what happened. Ironically, as I was in the middle of the story, I spilled a glass of Merlot on the rocking chair. The fabric was simply ruined. We all had a good laugh, then took turns riding the chair as it skiied down the concrete stairs in front of my apartment building. I eventually had to throw the chair out, as I'm pretty sure it had mites.

Corn Pudding,
Andrew